Positive Toxicity: It Won't Always "Be Okay"

"Don't worry, it'll all work out."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"At least you have your health!"

Sound familiar?

At some point in your life, there is a comparatively high chance that one of these three prevalent phrases will be said to you - and just like treating a brain tumor with Advil, it will not make you feel any better. Now, mind you, they are all valid statements - for the most part. Yes, things often work out...but sometimes they don't.

Yes, everything may happen for a reason...but that reason may never reveal itself. And the last one is only valid if the person is actually healthy to begin with. Now, what do all of these things have in common? I will lead with a quote:

"The pathway to hell is paved with good intentions" - Saint Bernard of Clairvaux…

Loosely translated, it funds the notion that sometimes we mean well with what we say or do, but how we say it (or how we do it) is unaligned with the situation. This is a term called "toxic positivity," and although it often comes from a place of well-intended optimism, the fact is, it dilutes the potential severity of the situation.

A study by Science of People found that 67.8 percent of people have experienced toxic positivity at some point in their lives, and that was based on a relatively small sample size.

More Damage, Please!

The fact is, this is actually worse than someone confirming your feelings. The idea of toxic positivity really comes down to this:

You are taking someone's negative experience or situation and making it seem okay, even when you know it is not. You are reducing their negative feelings unintentionally.

True Toxicity

I had a client who was struggling financially.

Of course, I took the case without ever asking for a penny, but one day she entered the virtual session in tears. Mind you, she was typically a very optimistic person and was seeking my assistance in overcoming intrusive thoughts and negative self-talk. To see her crying was rather unusual. I asked her: "What's making you emotional right now?"

Her response to this was:

"Today, I told someone about my son's passing five years ago, which you and I discussed is the reason behind my negative self-talk. The man said: 'At least you have your health." She then began bawling like a child whose balloon had just popped.

I was a bit curious. Why would such a response bring her to tears? It turns out, she had been diagnosed with Cancer two years prior, and had less than two more years to live.

No, she did not “have her health.”

Optimism Is Not Always Called For

You see, we are a species that is fueled by emotions. Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize-winning psychologist, found that 90 percent of our decisions are based on emotion. Ever wonder why Disney World smells like freshly-baked cookies even in the absence of visible food? You may or may not believe me, and it is speculative at best, but let us just say that I have an “inside source” that explained this rather caustically: there are no cookies.

They pump that smell into the air because it raises oxytocin and dopamine levels, which are responsible for majority of our purchasing behaviors. In other words, the correlation we have with freshly-baked goods is used tactically to induce purchases of overpriced items.

Sometimes optimism is not what we need from another.

Sometimes it is okay to recognize that there is nothing you can say or do to make the situation any better. My recommendation? Next time someone tells you something that is going on in their lives that is fundamentally upsetting, agree with them.

The Reinforcement Of Disposition

There is a theory in social psychology that states there are three types of emotional characteristics: optimism, defensive pessimism, and dispositional pessimism.

Think of it this way: the dispositional pessimist is that cynical, often belittling friend who blames the world for his or her problems, and lives by the unfortunate saying: “It is what it is.” The world is out to get them, and therefore, why bother in trying?

The defensive pessimist is the person who worries so much that they have a backup plan for just about everything that could possibly go wrong. Sure, majority of the time, nothing they worry about actually happens, but when it does, guess what? They have a plan for it.

The optimist – the person we would all assume is the most resilient – assumes everything will always be fine. However, when something negative occurs, they forgot to plan. In turn, the defensive pessimist has often been determined as the most successful of the three.

When someone engages in toxic positivity, they are not helping.

They are trying to help, but what they are really doing is reinforcing a negative situation. Think about it: if someone tells you: “It’ll all be okay,” is that ever stated in a positive context? And does it make you feel any better? The answer to both questions is: “no.” In fact, you may even feel worse! Again, this is reinforcement that indeed, something is wrong.

Positive Toxicity Versus The Negative Truth

The fact of the matter is that positive toxicity is not simply found in reassuring good will come. In fact, it can be considered a form of gaslighting. In an article by Kendra Cherry, MSEd, it is stated that sympathy is often our worst enemy. How many of you like to be pitied? Who wants to have a reminder of a bad day? Kendra posits that this is not sympathy or “being helpful.”  In fact, it is kind of the Antichrist of empathy: you are looking down on the person.

You may not be intending on this; we can all probably agree that these words are meant to be that of encouragement. “Look on the bright side,” as an example, seems innocent enough, but if someone just lost their job, or their father just passed away, what “bright side?”

So, which is better: reassuring someone that everything will be fine, or being honest? If a friend loses their job, would they rather hear you say: “Don’t worry, something will come along” or, do you think it would be better to inquire simply: “Well, that sucks. Sorry, dude.”

My Take On The Situation

I believe that the latter is more appropriate, as when we experience negativity, the only real comfort one can have is not reinforcement of it. Rather, it is the acknowledgement of support. As a species, we are simpler than we may think. We respond to the words and actions of those around us, and just like happy people want to be around other happy people, the last place someone in a negative situation wants to be is around those who are doing well. This does not mean avoid supporting someone who has had a bad day, or a bad week, or suffered a bewildering tragedy. It simply means that we have to react accordingly.

Try to realize that when we are dealing with a crisis, or perhaps even just a bad day, majority of us – at least in my world – do not want reassurance that the problem will magically go away. Phrases like: “Tomorrow is another day” may seem appropriate, but ask yourself a brutally honest question: wouldn’t you rather hear, “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how that feels?” If you want the honest solution to avoid positive toxicity, the answer lies in a secret formula I concocted. It is one you must use cautiously, because once you do it, it may work.

Say nothing.

Yes, you heard me: say nothing. Hug the person, offer a warm beverage like Sheldon would on “The Big Bang Theory,” but put yourself in that person’s shoes. Do you really think they want to hear the reinforcement that they just suffered a hard blow? They do not, nor do they want to be told it will be okay, because that may actually backfire.

Backfiring Positivity

Imagine you tell someone that everything will be okay. Then, a month passes, and nothing has changed. Then a year. Then five years. So on, so on. The point is this: sometimes it is better to be brutally honest, to acknowledge that no, this is not a good thing that occurred, and to avoid giving someone hope. I hate to word this so bluntly, but that is what positive toxicity does: it brings about a false sense of hope. Sure, it may work out…but if it doesn’t, you will find yourself resenting the person who told you it would!

Verbal Adjustments & Actionable Planning

Everyone will encounter positive toxicity at some point in their lives, and it may be of value; it may also be of vanity. At the end of the day, when something goes wrong, the last thing anybody wants to hear is the fortification that yes, this is truly wrong. The oddest part is, you are doing so unintentionally, and that makes it even worse! So, I am not here to say to avoid telling someone in crisis that everything will be okay; that is not my intention.

Rather, I am saying that, if you want to truly, truly help someone out during a bad period of time, act on it. Sit with them and form an action plan moving forward. It may not be an immediate option (imagine the death of a loved one in a car accident and the first thing you do is call a Grieving Counselor rather than letting them return o reality)…but that is the action that should eventually be taken, and your job as a friend or a family member (or, even a stranger) is to provide an actionable step forward. This is not always a plan.

It can come in the form of support, and I am in no way saying that you should avoid: “It’s going to all be okay.” Just read the room. Sometimes, no, it will not “all be okay,” and by saying it, you are providing false hope. False hope is much, much more detrimental to one’s mental health than the brutal, honest truth, and when the time comes, choose honesty over positivity. I urge you to take this as an opinion and not a truth, despite the thousands of articles and research papers on the dangers of positive toxicity; I hope you do not see this as me claiming that it is inappropriate to say things like: “It will be okay…” I am simply saying that, rather than “it will be okay,” reiterate an: “I’m so sorry for that. How can I help?”

This is what I call a “verbal adjustment."

In Summary

Avoid buzzwords and phrases; be brutally honest; be truthfully supportive, and avoid pretending like you know how someone else feels during a bad time. However, your job as a human being (not just as a friend or a family member, but rather as a part of our very species) is to support them, and to help guide them out of the forest with actions, not words.

Then, maybe then, you will be able to say: “See? It was all okay…”